"I see you...bitch!"
-Darkness Falls (2003)
www.moviemansguide.com
Wednesday, October 2nd
Today's post is about how some movies, even with the best of intentions, go horribly, horribly wrong.
I can remember sitting in the basement of my middle-school friend's house, a place we used to watch all the terrible movies of the late 90's and early 00's, and watching a terrifying piece of cinema--Darkness Falls (2003). Years later, I stumbled upon it once again at Reckless Records, my go-to when I have some money burning a hole in my pocket, and I nostalgically added it to my ever-growing collection.
I got home and popped in the movie. After about 10 minutes, I posted the following on Facebook:
...because remember, it totally feels like a 90's film! It's got that great "we're sort-of young" cast, the angsty rock soundtrack, and a villain that seems straight out of Jeepers Creepers. It's a bit creepy, and it's really fun!
And then...it all goes downhill.
Thus. How a good movie goes bad. Let's take a journey through the mess that is Darkness Falls, shall we?
Take a look at these opening credits. They're actually phenomenally done. The sepia-toned back story tells us the story of Matilda Dixon, a favorite old woman to the children of Darkness Falls. When the children lost a tooth, the kindly old woman would give them a gold coin. One day, two children disappeared. Natch, the town blames the kindly old woman and hang her. Just another day, amiright? The next day the two children show up, the town says a collective "oops" and everyone goes about their lives.
EXCEPT MATILDA.
As is usually the case with these things, Matilda places a curse on the town and comes back as a free flowing spirit with a penchant for baby teeth, porcelain facial accessories, and murder.
We skip ahead a century or so, and as is natural, a pre-pubescent boy loses his tooth and gains a first kiss. (Check out little Emily Browning in this movie...now where did that career go?)
This Unfortunate Event is from a Sucker Punch. (www.mygeekblashphemy.com)
Can we talk about how good this first scene is?! It provides about 75% of the film's scares and about 100% of the film's creativity. In the span of about 7 minutes we get a love story, a tension-filled reveal of Matilda "Da Tooth Fairy" Dixon, and the murder of the main character's mother.
We also establish that whomever looks upon Matilda shall be killed. And she doesn't like the light. Sounds like my kind of girl!
(Movie geek moment: This bathroom scene?! Such a beautiful shot sequence. The angles and the lighting of this scene alone are worth the $2.99 I paid at Reckless Records. Kudos to Director of Photography Dan Laustsen and also shame on you for the remainder of this horrible film.)
(dvdactive.com)
(slash-gash-gore.tumblr.com)
And after that, the wonderful movie that was set up before our eyes, falls away like a dead tooth. Or my interest in the movie.
A BRIEF RUNDOWN OF EVERYTHING TERRIBLE TO HAPPEN IN 3 SECONDS (AKA 12 YEARS LATER IN MOVIE TIME):
1. Cute Emily Browning grows up to be not-so-cute Emma Caulfield.
Those bangs aren't helping anyone. (veryaware.com)
2. Our hero, Kyle, grows up to be very scared of the dark and seems to have some serious issues with constipation. But seriously, Chaney Kley looks like he hasn't had a BM in weeks and is just carrying that pain around this film.
I. HAVE. TO. POOP. (youtube.com)
LOTS. OF. STRAINING. (classbunkers.in)
NEED. MORE. FIBER. (horrornews.net)
3. Even though it's 12 years later, everyone seems to have drastically aged. Assuming everyone is about 12 years old in the prologue, (and that's being generous) that would make the main characters 24. DO ANY OF THESE ACTORS LOOK 24 TO YOU? ESPECIALLY THIS GUY:
HE LITERALLY LOOKS THIS OLD IN THE MOVIE. (allmovies.com)
4. Emma Caulfield's adorably speech-deficient little brother has also, apparently seen the Tooth Fairy and is now being harassed by her as well.
I can't say my "r's." (worldfree4u.com)
5. Bearing this in mind, the Tooth Fairy returns from the grave and wreaks havoc on Darkness Falls. The movie and the town. No joke, the body count just RISES. And she *spoiler* kills everyone who isn't the two people who she's after. Ouch, poor track record huh, Tildy?
P.S. This all occurs after a freak summer storm knocks out the electricity to the entire town. Not much has changed since 1850, huh?
HELLO. (docuniverse.blogspot.com)
6. Someone gets the bright idea to use the lighthouse to kill Matildy Dixie, and with only the main characters alive, (surprise, surprise) we head to the lighthouse for the third act finale, where (again, surprise surprise) we get a real good glimpse at Waltzing Matilda.
(h-e-r-i-o-n.tumblr.com)
KNOCK KNOCK! WHO'S THERE? GLOW STICK RAVE! (mindoftatlock.com)
GIRL WE NEED TO MOISTURIZE. (slash-gash-gore.tumblr.com)
7. The light shone upon her and she reacts like any ginger would on the beach: she explodes in a recycled Death Star explosion and our story comes quite easily to a close.
THE END ... (Or is it?!)
And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the BIGGEST cop-out of the entire movie. The biggest downfall of all. The coup de grace of filmmaking. Let us read together from the book of Darkness Falls, final scene, shitty movie.
(BILLY is being tucked into bed by his FATHER, who holds his final baby tooth.)
FATHER: Just leave this here, Billy.
(HE places it underneath the pillow.)
[FATHER:] You're gonna go to sleep now?
(FATHER leans in to kiss BILLY good night.)
[FATHER:] Just remember, don't peek.
(FATHER leaves. The room is quiet, when suddenly a shadow falls across BILLY's bed. BILLY looks up and says, whimpering:)
BILLY: Tooth fairy?
(Suddenly, a woman comes into view. Is it Matilda Dixon? No, it just:)
MOTHER: It's just Mommy, honey. Go back to sleep.
(SHE replaces the tooth with a gold coin and leaves. BILLY snuggles in for a good night of sleep. Cut to credits.)
Really, Darkness Falls?! You have one more opportunity for a scare and you pussy out on us? Ugh. (PS. I totally transcribed that script excerpt myself. Someone hire me, right?)
Fun fact, according to imdb.com this movie is actually so short that the credits had to be 11 minutes long. Without them, the movie would not be long enough to be considered a feature-length film.
The tooth hurts.
N
-Darkness Falls (2003)
|
| www.moviemansguide.com |
Wednesday, October 2nd
Today's post is about how some movies, even with the best of intentions, go horribly, horribly wrong.
I can remember sitting in the basement of my middle-school friend's house, a place we used to watch all the terrible movies of the late 90's and early 00's, and watching a terrifying piece of cinema--Darkness Falls (2003). Years later, I stumbled upon it once again at Reckless Records, my go-to when I have some money burning a hole in my pocket, and I nostalgically added it to my ever-growing collection.
I got home and popped in the movie. After about 10 minutes, I posted the following on Facebook:
...because remember, it totally feels like a 90's film! It's got that great "we're sort-of young" cast, the angsty rock soundtrack, and a villain that seems straight out of Jeepers Creepers. It's a bit creepy, and it's really fun!
And then...it all goes downhill.
Take a look at these opening credits. They're actually phenomenally done. The sepia-toned back story tells us the story of Matilda Dixon, a favorite old woman to the children of Darkness Falls. When the children lost a tooth, the kindly old woman would give them a gold coin. One day, two children disappeared. Natch, the town blames the kindly old woman and hang her. Just another day, amiright? The next day the two children show up, the town says a collective "oops" and everyone goes about their lives.
EXCEPT MATILDA.
As is usually the case with these things, Matilda places a curse on the town and comes back as a free flowing spirit with a penchant for baby teeth, porcelain facial accessories, and murder.
We skip ahead a century or so, and as is natural, a pre-pubescent boy loses his tooth and gains a first kiss. (Check out little Emily Browning in this movie...now where did that career go?)
Can we talk about how good this first scene is?! It provides about 75% of the film's scares and about 100% of the film's creativity. In the span of about 7 minutes we get a love story, a tension-filled reveal of Matilda "Da Tooth Fairy" Dixon, and the murder of the main character's mother.
We also establish that whomever looks upon Matilda shall be killed. And she doesn't like the light. Sounds like my kind of girl!
(Movie geek moment: This bathroom scene?! Such a beautiful shot sequence. The angles and the lighting of this scene alone are worth the $2.99 I paid at Reckless Records. Kudos to Director of Photography Dan Laustsen and also shame on you for the remainder of this horrible film.)
Today's post is about how some movies, even with the best of intentions, go horribly, horribly wrong.
I can remember sitting in the basement of my middle-school friend's house, a place we used to watch all the terrible movies of the late 90's and early 00's, and watching a terrifying piece of cinema--Darkness Falls (2003). Years later, I stumbled upon it once again at Reckless Records, my go-to when I have some money burning a hole in my pocket, and I nostalgically added it to my ever-growing collection.
I got home and popped in the movie. After about 10 minutes, I posted the following on Facebook:
...because remember, it totally feels like a 90's film! It's got that great "we're sort-of young" cast, the angsty rock soundtrack, and a villain that seems straight out of Jeepers Creepers. It's a bit creepy, and it's really fun!
And then...it all goes downhill.
Thus. How a good movie goes bad. Let's take a journey through the mess that is Darkness Falls, shall we?
Take a look at these opening credits. They're actually phenomenally done. The sepia-toned back story tells us the story of Matilda Dixon, a favorite old woman to the children of Darkness Falls. When the children lost a tooth, the kindly old woman would give them a gold coin. One day, two children disappeared. Natch, the town blames the kindly old woman and hang her. Just another day, amiright? The next day the two children show up, the town says a collective "oops" and everyone goes about their lives.
EXCEPT MATILDA.
As is usually the case with these things, Matilda places a curse on the town and comes back as a free flowing spirit with a penchant for baby teeth, porcelain facial accessories, and murder.
We skip ahead a century or so, and as is natural, a pre-pubescent boy loses his tooth and gains a first kiss. (Check out little Emily Browning in this movie...now where did that career go?)
|
| This Unfortunate Event is from a Sucker Punch. (www.mygeekblashphemy.com) |
We also establish that whomever looks upon Matilda shall be killed. And she doesn't like the light. Sounds like my kind of girl!
(Movie geek moment: This bathroom scene?! Such a beautiful shot sequence. The angles and the lighting of this scene alone are worth the $2.99 I paid at Reckless Records. Kudos to Director of Photography Dan Laustsen and also shame on you for the remainder of this horrible film.)
|
| (dvdactive.com) |
|
| (slash-gash-gore.tumblr.com) |
And after that, the wonderful movie that was set up before our eyes, falls away like a dead tooth. Or my interest in the movie.
A BRIEF RUNDOWN OF EVERYTHING TERRIBLE TO HAPPEN IN 3 SECONDS (AKA 12 YEARS LATER IN MOVIE TIME):
1. Cute Emily Browning grows up to be not-so-cute Emma Caulfield.
|
| Those bangs aren't helping anyone. (veryaware.com) |
2. Our hero, Kyle, grows up to be very scared of the dark and seems to have some serious issues with constipation. But seriously, Chaney Kley looks like he hasn't had a BM in weeks and is just carrying that pain around this film.
|
| I. HAVE. TO. POOP. (youtube.com) |
|
| LOTS. OF. STRAINING. (classbunkers.in) |
|
| NEED. MORE. FIBER. (horrornews.net) |
3. Even though it's 12 years later, everyone seems to have drastically aged. Assuming everyone is about 12 years old in the prologue, (and that's being generous) that would make the main characters 24. DO ANY OF THESE ACTORS LOOK 24 TO YOU? ESPECIALLY THIS GUY:
|
| HE LITERALLY LOOKS THIS OLD IN THE MOVIE. (allmovies.com) |
4. Emma Caulfield's adorably speech-deficient little brother has also, apparently seen the Tooth Fairy and is now being harassed by her as well.
| I can't say my "r's." (worldfree4u.com) |
P.S. This all occurs after a freak summer storm knocks out the electricity to the entire town. Not much has changed since 1850, huh?
|
| HELLO. (docuniverse.blogspot.com) |
6. Someone gets the bright idea to use the lighthouse to kill Matildy Dixie, and with only the main characters alive, (surprise, surprise) we head to the lighthouse for the third act finale, where (again, surprise surprise) we get a real good glimpse at Waltzing Matilda.
|
| (h-e-r-i-o-n.tumblr.com) |
|
| KNOCK KNOCK! WHO'S THERE? GLOW STICK RAVE! (mindoftatlock.com) |
|
| GIRL WE NEED TO MOISTURIZE. (slash-gash-gore.tumblr.com) |
7. The light shone upon her and she reacts like any ginger would on the beach: she explodes in a recycled Death Star explosion and our story comes quite easily to a close.
THE END ... (Or is it?!)
And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the BIGGEST cop-out of the entire movie. The biggest downfall of all. The coup de grace of filmmaking. Let us read together from the book of Darkness Falls, final scene, shitty movie.
(BILLY is being tucked into bed by his FATHER, who holds his final baby tooth.)
FATHER: Just leave this here, Billy.
(HE places it underneath the pillow.)
[FATHER:] You're gonna go to sleep now?
(FATHER leans in to kiss BILLY good night.)
[FATHER:] Just remember, don't peek.
(FATHER leaves. The room is quiet, when suddenly a shadow falls across BILLY's bed. BILLY looks up and says, whimpering:)
BILLY: Tooth fairy?
(Suddenly, a woman comes into view. Is it Matilda Dixon? No, it just:)
MOTHER: It's just Mommy, honey. Go back to sleep.
(SHE replaces the tooth with a gold coin and leaves. BILLY snuggles in for a good night of sleep. Cut to credits.)
Really, Darkness Falls?! You have one more opportunity for a scare and you pussy out on us? Ugh. (PS. I totally transcribed that script excerpt myself. Someone hire me, right?)
Fun fact, according to imdb.com this movie is actually so short that the credits had to be 11 minutes long. Without them, the movie would not be long enough to be considered a feature-length film.
The tooth hurts.
N
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